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Beat the Holiday Blues

Don Rosenberg

When you think of holiday stress or holiday blues, what is the first thought you have about it?
 
It’s going to be fantastic? I hope to see my cousins and I know my loved ones will be there, so that will be so nice? I’m grateful to have a loving family?  I can’t wait?

Or might you think about feeling alone and lonely?  Family conflicts at gatherings? Too much imbibing? Pressure about which grandparent gets Christmas Eve and which gets Christmas Day?  Travel arrangements? Gift buying?  Mounting credit card balances? How others will respond to gifts?  Entertaining?  Getting the meals just right? Family quarrels over politics?

So many experiences to be grateful for and to reflect upon, on the one hand, but so many pitfalls on the other.

Sara, a 25 year-old woman, bought a ticket to fly home to Wisconsin for a week, including Christmas day with her family.  As December days passed, her anxiety increased. She remembered – hoping it would not happen this year – her brother and her uncle virtually always drank too much and made these days about spiked punch and wine, making the focus alcohol. That always annoyed and disappointed her.

William, 49, wondered why his spouse was irritable and morose the last weeks of the year.  As for himself, he avoided the holidays. He associated them with the death of a sibling by violence that occurred at this time a decade earlier.

Sharlene, at age 87 and in assisted living. She mentioned to the Social Worker that she didn’t expect her family to visit as they had plans to go skiing over the holiday break from school. Although she effected a stoic attitude, she later admitted she felt lonely. She remembered this same feeling when her deceased partner would use the break from work to hunt or fish.  She associated Christmas with feeling alone.

Some Troubling Data

A press release by the American Psychological Association, November 30, 2023, reported a survey that found nearly nine in 10 (89%) reported that concerns -- such as not having enough money, missing loved ones, and anticipating family conflict – that stress them at the holidays.  Some 41% noted increased stress in late Fall and 43% noted the stress interfered with enjoyment of the season. 

The survey found the one biggest reason was overspending or having too little money to spend, cited by 58%.  Finding the right gifts, missing family, and having too much to do were cited by between 30% and 40% of respondents.  
 
Even some 20+% of non-Christians find these holidays stressful.  In recent years, the fear of discrimination has been an increasing concern. Feeling left out of the celebratory spirit of the season is another concern.  Sad events around the world, reported on our daily news, affect the celebratory mood.

With so many movies and cooking sites and sales sites showing idealized views of the season, it’s inevitable to draw comparisons.  Idealized portrayals of holidays on social media may elicit feelings of inadequacy and social isolation. 

Those who are grieving or have a recent loss may see a surge in sadness. That is especially true when this holiday season is the first one following a major loss.

A small group end up drinking too much or eating too much or isolating. 

How to Beat the Blues - 14 Suggestions 

How do people respond to the stress more effectively?  

1. Most talk it over with others.  That overcomes isolation. 

2. Many work on managing what they expect to happen. Realistic expectations are crucial. It is so easy to hope this year will be different, Uncle X won’t drink, brother will be generous, mother won’t be critical, no one will quarrel, all will be loving.  Be realistic and be prepared.

3. Although we tend to overestimate what we can accomplish, nonetheless, we need to set achievable goals. Avoid trying to make everything perfect.  We usually judge ourselves more harshly than others judge us and we project that expectation, meaning we expect to be judged harshly. While that may be the experience for some of us, for most it’s important to befriend the inner critic and wonder what it is trying to do.  Perhaps its role is to prevent criticism by driving you to be perfect. Perhaps it is echoing the words a parent used towards you.  It usually serves a protective function of some sort, though its help is dubious!

4. For mental health professionals, we worry about how holiday blues can make depression or mental health symptoms more severe. Reportedly, 60% of people with mental illness reported that holidays make symptoms worse and functioning harder.  If you know someone who suffers from depression or a mental illness, find a way to offer time and support. If that is you, get support.  Who can you spend time with? Volunteer as a shelter or the Salvation Army so you feel useful and are not alone.

5. Give yourself permission to sit out some activities.  You don’t have to participate in everything going on.  

6. Rather than spending on credit, stick to a budget. Think about gifts you can make yourself.  Suggest the kind of gift-giving amongst the adults in which each member draws a name and gives a gift only to that one person.  Christmas is not meant to be a competition. Refuse to compete.

7. Recognize your needs.  Determine not to be pushed into activities that make you uncomfortable. 

8. Get enough sleep.  

9. If you are prone to seasonal depression, known as Seasonal Affective Disorder, or other severe symptoms at this time of year, consult a professional therapist. If it is early in the Fall, meet with a therapist well in advance. That way you can work on your response to trigger events.  Try to increase you outdoor activities in the daylight.

10. “Boundaries” refers to your spatial and personal integrity, what you allow others to do towards you.  If this has been a problem in the past, plan how you will respond differently to pressures or negative words from others.  

11. Mindfulness is a method of focusing on yourself as a thinking, feeling, sensing being, realizing all the thoughts, feelings, and sensations are merely a stream of such experiences passing through you. Listen to mindfulness exercises, such as those at The Mindfulness Solution, https://drronsiegel.com/recorded-meditations/
You can find more mindfulness exercises on youtube.  Find the exercise known as “Loving-kindness” also known as “Meta.”  This is an apt time of year for this exercise in wishing peace and well-being to yourself and also to others.

12. Can’t get everything done? Who can help? Ask for help.

13. Sentimental memories about the difference between some romanticized memory of a part holiday and now can lead to regret, envy, or sadness.  Now and now. Work with what is here now and how you can make it the best you can.

14. Express gratitude for what you do have and fo the kindest people who are in your self.

Best wishes on the holiday season. May you be well. 

Shorehaven Behavioral Health is a mental health clinic and training center with therapy offices in Brown Deer, Greenfield, and Mt. Pleasant, and also offering telehealth throughout Wisconsin. We specialize in challenging cases and rapid access to services.  In addition to depression, anxiety, behavioral problems, and most other psychological problems, we work extensively with children & families and with substance use problems. Our DBT program has three groups – for younger adolescents, older adolescents, and adults – and has openings. 
Call 414-540-2170.
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